oh wow!

i'm actually getting comments.
this is fantastic :)
considering
i got a sixty six on a math quiz
(i doubt anyone in my family has ever scored below an eighty on ANYTHING)
and
i haven't spoken to either
red
taylor
or
SBSG
since... forever.
its official, i don't have guy troubles,
i'm simply insane.

yesterday, i went to the rodeo with my sister, frank (her fiancee), two of their friends, and jake (fiancee's sexy friend with an amazing accent).
I thought it was going to suck because they're all about twice my age. BUT, I was talking to Jake pretty much the whole time and he's a fantastic listener with a fantastic laugh. (No, I'm not considering anything). I managed to embarrass myself by spilling ketchup on my white coat... TWICE. Jake laughed and cracked a joke about me having the mind of a twenty five year old (thrilling) and the body of a nine year old (not so thrilling...). I also gained about five hundred pounds via deep fried banana blueberry twinky and deep fried oreo.
so worth it.
Anyways, I also ran into the main group of the cranberries there! It was incredibly scary and kind of depressing. Bee yelled my name and I turned around. I SWEAR, IT WAS AN AMBUSH!
Aubrey asked me which one Frank was so I yelled at Frank and he turned (lots of yelling...).
Then, Aubrey made sort of a face, but masked it quickly.

Okay, so Frank isn't the most attractive of all men ever... but he's not particularly ugly, so she had NO reason to make that face. The worst part was that I felt sort of embarrassed by him and ran off to go show the cranberries some amazing artwork done by a kindergartener. Which is sad because I'm pretty sure the kindergartener (or gardener... idk) was more talented then me. Then I said adieu and I ran back to the group I was with. Who were all twice my age and it was a Friday night, go figure.

Later on I realised how incredibly pissed at myself I was for my reaction to Aubrey's face. Ugh, I seriously need to stop caring what others think.

Towards the end, Gage texted me asking if I was going over to Henry's (business class boy) to watch Oklahoma (which I have a large part in, thank you very much) tomorrow. I was still majorly pissed at him so I said no.

My parents just got back from Chile today and I've already managed to disappoint them.
Fantastic, no?

ugh, Gage just sent me a picture of himself where he looks really hot.
i still hate him.

I'll explain the Airplane metaphor in my next post.

its bad to fall in love with gay men, it will only end in trouble

among other things,
i am mega excited that christian siriano won project runway. He's fantastic.
I'm in love with him.

UGH.
Major frustration/ confusion.
I managed to drop an f bomb on SAT while I was talking about a place that makes delicious chicken wings. Classy, eh?
Also, SBSG leaves town today.
I still have my eye infection.
AND
Red is considering going out with some other girl. Which I urged him to do (so as not to seem clingy) and repeated that I was jealous twice. He ignored it. Still, I think I handled the situation fairly well. And everythings going alright, except for when I IMed him yesterday and he ignored it.
Haven't spoken to Taylor since Wednesday...

What I'm extremely angry about is the stuff Gage gets away with. He managed to convince the cranberries that he and che planted a camera in the girls locker room. I'm still shocked that they were gullible enough to believe this...
Not actually what I'm mad about.
Here's what happened during English today:
Che kept coming back while me and Gage were "studying" for a vocabulary test.
"Che, go away." I would say.
"Che, leave," said Gage.
"Y'all can still do stuff, I won't watch." (che)
"Taffy, I really don't mind doing stuff in front of Che."
"Gage, I refuse to do anything in English class anymore because I'm afraid Che is watching."
He even came back while we were sitting down in P.E.!
WTF?
But that's not all. After Che finally left us alone for like... five minutes, this occurred:
"Our relationship is weird." (gage)
"How is it weird? Essentially, we're best friends who just happen to be benifitting from the friendship." (me)
"Essentially, indeed. It's still weird."

Stuff about how I don't benefit from this and how I just let him do stuff to me and I say I like his hugs.

"People do this all the time."
"Yeah, but those people are usually seventeen."
"Gage, we only think that at our school."
"But, I mean, why are we like this?"
"Because we're not romantically attracted to each other, just physically."
And he said this gem:
"Actually, I'm not that attracted to you. (THANKS GAGE). Phylise said earlier that she thinks I'm good looking and she thinks I should be with Kate (pretty, first class girl)."
"So she thinks I'm ugly."
... silence. "Well anyways, yeah, I just like the feel of you. But no offense or anything, but your face isn't that pretty. It's kind of..."
"Round, I know."
"Yeah, its still sort of chubby."

THANKS FOR BRINGING THIS UP GAGE!
Like seriously, I didn't even ask if I was pretty or anything, he just decided to add to my self esteem by telling me things (my vocabulary isn't developed enough to come up with a more descriptive words) that I really don't need to hear. I'm very attached to Gage. And even though I consider us best friends, I realise that I don't even talk to him. He just talks to me. I realised that I'm way to.... idk, to talk to him. The only things I do discuss with him are my boy problems, which also piss him off! UGH. It's times like these when I seriously consider dropping him. Cruel, I know, but I can't help it. He didn't even have to lie about anything, he could have just not brought stuff up.

I really hope my other guy troubles aren't actually a figment of my imagination and in reality, none of them would actually consider dating me.
I hate being ugly.

padded bottoms.

hmm, I've read over all of my posts and I cringe everytime I see a curse word. I've also realised that they lose their potency if overused. So now I'm cleaning things up. Lets see how long this lasts...

I'm fairly certain Red will need to leave his little cul de sac to come to the big city I live in this summer, which I'm incredibly excited about, although worried. Hmm, maybe I'll bring my little army of Eighth graders to meet him.

In case you haven't guessed, I'm a tad boy crazy (a tad being a lot) so this blog will be full of... boys.

And other stuff, but mainly the topic mentioned above. Natalie said that she believes I'll probably be having sex by the end of this summer; lets try to prove her wrong, eh?

Okay, so, today was incredibly awkward. I feel a lot better because Alice managed to get her anger out via her sister's angry phone call yesterday. Thank God, right now I'm trying not to mess up as much and figuring out how to be a better friend.

My Obsessions as of Now:

• The Science of Sleep: an incredible movie. confusing, disorganised, but amazingly beautiful.
• My Morning Jacket: picked up a CD from 2005 by them, have been listening to the songs for the past five days
• The tray thing, still: I have to make sure all of the trays in the cafeteria are stacked correctly before I leave
• Yellow: for some reason, I'm loving anything in this color
• Taiwan v. China: hmm, pro Taiwan as a seprate country as of... fourth grade?

That's it.

So today, was... awkward. I got my period on Saturday (no, not my first time) so, for some reason, I wore a pad today to school. (sorry I'm making y'all read this). BAD IDEA. Had I been thinking this morning, I would have made another decision. Gage is sort of an... ass man. And before/during English class is the worst for it. We'll be walking in this semi- deserted hallway, and he'll grab for my ass (not a curse word, it means donkey). Normally, I'm okay with it, but today was really awkward. I would run forward right before his hand made contact and he'd make a funny face. Sorry Gage, but I'd feel extremely uncomfortable explaining the extra padding on my rear end. During English, however, he would keep going up to the front of the room to put his arms around Bee, and she'd sort of let him.

Normally, this wouldn't bug me, but Bee is part of the little group we like to call the Cranberries. This pissed me off. So now they'll think they've won and Bee will think that she's better than Alice (I know it), which she totally isn't, because Alice is gorgeous. And later on, Gage made a quiet joke about Bee being flat, which totally confused me. It's like, if you don't actually think she's pretty, then why are you feeding to their ammunition in the "war" (dramatic, I know)? Urgh, sometimes this really bugs me. Honestly, flirt with someone outside of that group. Also, all of the other guys Gage hang out with say they hate the cranberries. Seriously, why do you approach them all.the.time?

OH, and I'm also pretty sure Penn is confused/ mad at me because he found out what happened between Gage and me on Friday. Today was just sort of awkward because I'd try to talk to him and he'd sort of... ignore me? I've gotten into the habit of petting his hair, which is weird, but it's just so incredibly soft. Normally, he lets me and when I approach him in the hallway, he sort of tilts his head forward so I can mess with his hair. Today I went over and he was like, "Get off."

This caught me completely off guard. Penn's not a very angry person. I looked back at him to see if he was kidding but he sort of averted his gaze.

Augh, this is so frustrating. Penn's just so incredibly sweet and boyishly cute, and yes, I'm pretty sure I have a small crush on him. And he's really easy to talk to. Part of the reason I like Red is because he reminds me of Penn, just older.

In sixth grade, I had the hugest crush on Penn. I would talk to him in hallways, sort of... follow him around (this is sad, but now I think it's funny) and call his house phone almost three times a day. Obviously, now his mother is not so fond of me...

When asked if I "liked" him I would reply, "NO! Not at all, why would you think that?" When it was so incredibly obvious. I would listen to the music he liked to listen to (which I still listen to because I like it) and practice flirting tactics with him. My own mother (who I rarely talk to about my issues) managed to find out about my crush on him. Natalie also became really annoyed with the fact that I liked him so much, not so much that but by my denial of it.

"Penn's not really that cute," She would say, "I don't know why all these people have crushes on him this year..."

I would stare at her horror-struck and pretend to agree. That or defend him, "I don't know, don't you think his hair is super soft? And isn't he an amazing guitar player? I SPOKE ON THE PHONE WITH HIM FOR FIVE MINUTES YESTERDAY, and he was just so sweet. I think I can figure out why Lisbet likes him."

She would look at me, shake her head, and walk off.

I'm different now.

Canned Pineapples

Drama.
wow.
so i'm trying to figure out what seperates me from "the cranberries" when i'm acting just as fake as them.
any answers?
i don't really want to go into detail about what happened today, but i felt like posting another blog. maybe next time i'll write something inspirational or deep.
probably not, since i don't possess deep thoughts.
anyways, physical therapy is going well. since i haven't managed to steal any weights from the excercise room, i've been doing doing my excercises with cans of pineapples. (just to explain the title).
urgh, why does history suck so much?
wow, this blog has no point, whatsoever.
the end.

a cheerful rant

FUCK.
Okay, I wrote this then everything got deleted...
Ew.
Anyways, I'm going to try to start over.
My friends are amazing, (the first thing I realised). I can't believe that you've forgiven me (again and again and again) for major fuck ups and idk. I'm sorry I didn't end up leaving the fish in your locker but me and natalie decided that doing so might end badly... I had more to say on this, (not the fish part) but since it all got erased, I can't remember.
Guadalajara was really fun and me & natalie & barbie will rock this shit. Spain will be like... idk. My main goal is the non- rape thing. I really don't have anything else to say on this subject except for how excited I am. (Spain). At Guadalajara, I pretty much just pigged out... and I also figured out, I don't fucking care if you call me a food-taking slut. I like to eat. And just because my idea of flirting with a guy isn't freaking out about the bones in his arm (NO JOKE), doesn't mean that you can call me that. I mean, seriously? I haven't been sucking people off or anything and y'all are always like... "oh, making out is so gross" and believe me, high school is going to SUCK for you. Also, I don't know how the hell you can say the previous with a straight face. Y'all are the ones making up rumors about shit that nobody has even done, I mean, some of the stuff that comes out of your mouths, seriously? (this is a rant, don't judge me) And the only reason I'm writing this is because I know none of y'all have myspaces. Thank God. Baha, I just read over and found like... twenty "y'all"s.
This week has been... oh God. Okay, so I started out thinking it would be extraordinary, then stuff went wrong (solely my fault, if you blame yourself, you're wrong), then today was pretty much... wonderful. But I'm so past this. This is the end of my decade or whatever at small private school and I'm going to live this however I want to. I really don't care what people say anymore because if this ends in social ruin (which it most likely will), I only have to endure it for like... two months. Not that bad.
Okay, so I realised, I'm super confused. And I need to make up for my fuck ups but oh well. I talked to most of you about this last week. I need to be able to make these freaking decisions even though I already know the answers. But oh, guess what? NOW THERE'S A THIRD. Okay, so nobody will probably get what I'm talking about but messaging would be nice :). Still, two probably aren't an option and one was probably not serious. Still can't figure it out? I realise I'm being semi- cryptic, but I don't know what to say. I'm supposed to be writing an Ethics essay, dammit.
This has been a disgustingly crappy blog, but I feel so much better now. LONG LIVE THE BEE-AYETCHES! And fuck you, Cranberries.
(yes, there's nicknames)